so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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