I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
