I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
