They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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