people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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