i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
