Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
