I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
