Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
