i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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