this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
