I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
