If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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