My nipple is on Facebook.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
