I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
