I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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