You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
