I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
