note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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