You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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