I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
