The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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