i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
