I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
