If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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