I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
