I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
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But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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