I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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