I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it was like eating out sand paper
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
