i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
