No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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