I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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