Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
