his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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