you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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