And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
