so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
