I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!