6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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