The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
