She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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