Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
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he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
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I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you