i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
