Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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