Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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