I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
