He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
did you just send me my own nude
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
