Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
