LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
