so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
