I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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