I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Randomize
