Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
