He is such a slut. More and more my type.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
