I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
