i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
