trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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