gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize