he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Terrible idea I love it
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize