I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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