dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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