lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
